It’s Almost Summer, Let’s Forget our Troubles with Several Malört Cocktails
When the weather warms up, the people demand Malört
Hola, amigos, que pasa? It’s been a little while since I’ve hollered at you. In fact it’s been like…
*checks date of last newsletter issue*
Actually, hey, let’s not remind ourselves of our many, many failures and broken commitments!
The (good?) news is I’m BACK, continuing the proud tradition of newsletters that start strong before stuttering and wheezing, then returning in a burst of renewed energy, before probably slowly fading away leaving you only with fond memories of mid-tier writing about mostly gross liquor. Frankly, it’s a miracle nobody has cornered this highly profitable niche until now.
Speaking of white-hot niche topics and off-putting booze, many people, so I am told, immediately went out and purchased bottles of Malört after my very first real issue of this newsletter only to have the novelty wear off before they got back home from the liquor store, and inspiring them to send me messages like “hey you owe me $24.99” and “unsubscribe”.
If that describes you, don’t despair! Malört is about more than just tricking your “friends” into drinking it and making them secretly hate you more than they already do. Malört can be a legit ingredient in a cocktail. SWEAR TO GOD.
Lots of Chicago bartenders have uncovered the esoteric brilliance that is Malört, and how it can work in a cocktail – whether as a wholly original concept or a riff on an existing classic. So, let’s dust off that bottle of Malört and get after it.
WE’RE DRINKING MALORT, PEOPLE
First drank on the list: What happens when you mix super-sweet juices and syrups with the angry-at-the-world-punch-you-in-your-face bitterness of Malört? You get the Life’s a Peach (Then You Die) cocktail credited to Ginny Landt.
Like a Malört-infused sunset.
Life’s a Peach (Then You Die)
1.75 oz gin
0.75 oz Malört
1 oz peach nectar (shake it well to loosen all the goodness that sticks to the bottom)
0.5 oz lime juice
0.25 oz grenadine
For the gin, I used a classic London dry in Beefeater. The grenadine was homemade: equal parts granulated sugar and pomegranate juice simmered until the sugar dissolves, then cooled. Should keep for a few weeks.
Toss your gin, Malört, peach nectar and lime juice into a cocktail shaker. Add ice. Shake it. Strain into a coupe glass or Nick and Nora. I unsuccessfully thought I might float the grenadine on top, which was a miserable failure as it immediately sunk and also did I mention I have an awful grasp of physics? But the drink still looks elegant, with the grenadine pooled at the bottom - a pleasant contrast to the pale orange which is the dominant color. Serve up.
I thought the peach nectar would really overwhelm everything here, but this cocktail is surprisingly tart, yet balanced, with each ingredient playing a role – as should be the case in all great cocktails. The sour lime and juniper of the gin are the dominant flavors upon first sip, as the Malört bides its time, waiting to pounce. But it’s held in check by the peach and grenadine, which takes the worst off the bitter edge. When it does hit you, it’s subtle – a gentle pawing versus a vicious mauling.
Since the grenadine sits at the bottom, as you get through this drink, it starts to become sweeter. Otherwise, this strikes a similar flavor profile as a Paper Plane, with sweet, sour and bitter flavors in equilibrium. This is surprisingly delightful – one of the best things I’ve mixed in a long time.
SHUT UP NERD GET TO THE NEXT RECIPE
OK, OK - some of you OTBS-heads out there might remember in that first Malört newsletter, I asked “how can we lean into those grapefruit notes in Malört?” I ended up mixing a weird Negroni variant with grapefruit juice that was actually drinkable. Good, even.
But my mind kept going back to the most famous grapefruit cocktail, the Paloma. It’s the most popular cocktail in Mexico. And Chicago, the birthplace of Malört, has a large, vibrant Mexican-American community. It’s almost a poetic pairing. Malört in a Paloma? It could work!
What an original idea, I thought. I’m brilliant! And then I googled “Paloma Malort” and learned that CELEBRITY CHEF RICK BAYLESS ALREADY DID IT IN 2022. Live on television, no less. But the most disappointing thing of all is that he calls the drink a “Chicago Paloma.”
HOW DO YOU NOT CALL THIS A PALOMALORT? IT’S RIGHT THERE!
When I googled “Palomalort” all I got were thousands of results for “Palomar” and when I forced Google—against its will—to actually search for Palomalort, I got this:
NO I DID NOT, GOOGLE
There you go. I’m planting my stake in the ground: My contribution to this drink is the very witty, completely original name Palomalört. Refer to it this way even as you shamelessly steal National Treasure Chef Bayless’ recipe.
Chicago Paloma Palomalört
1 oz grapefruit juice (fresh squeezed or death)
0.5 oz lime juice (ditto)
0.5 oz agave nectar or simple syrup, we’re splittin’ hairs here
0.5 oz Malört
1.5 oz blanco tequila
Grapefruit soda as a topper
For the tequila, Chef recommends Espalon and so do I. It’s good, inexpensive and widely available aka THE TRIFECTA—but almost any kind of blanco will do the trick. For the grapefruit soda, I prefer Jarritos Grapefruit—possibly available in the “Mexican Foods” section of your grocery store—but Squirt will work in a pinch.
Add everything except your soda to your shaker. Add ice. Shake it. Strain into a glass over ice – I like a rocks glass with a salted rim but you do you. Float some grapefruit soda on there until you reach the top of the glass. Drink.
The Paloma is already a tart drink with bitter notes courtesy of the grapefruit, but it’s offset by the syrup and grapefruit soda, the latter ingredient imparting sweetness while doubling down on the grapefruit flavor. The addition of Malört lends it some background herbal complexity with taste characteristics of the dominant flavors, while contributing that universally beloved Malört finish on the back-end. If you’re a fan of the Paloma, and enjoy Malört even a little bit, the Palomalört is well worth a try to mix things up.
COOL WHAT OTHER USE YOU GOT FOR THIS HELL LIQUOR
One more for you – this one a riff on a modern Tiki classic: the Jungle Bird. In this case, Malört takes over the role of bitter liqueur from Campari, the traditional ingredient.
This is inspired by a recipe from a brilliant, fun-loving lunatic on the r/Cocktails subreddit who graciously granted permission for me to crib (and tweak) the recipe, but he or she is not the first to have the idea.
I’ve seen a few proposals on what to call this—names like “The Chicago Shitbird” or “The Pigeon”—but I’m going to go with the following, which is inspired by a cool, insider nickname that only locals use to refer to the city.
Me, cheering the BILLIONS OF CICADAS screeching relentlessly into the void in the trees surrounding my home
The Windy Bird
1.5 oz dark rum
1.5 oz pineapple juice (fresh squeezed is best)
0.75 oz Malört
0.75 oz lime juice
0.5 oz rich demerara syrup (or simple syrup, in a pinch)
For the rum, I used Cruzan Black Strap. Add all ingredients to your shaker. Add ice. Shake until chilled. Strain into a rocks glass over a large cube. Garnish with a pineapple frond if you’re feeling fancy.
This recipe bumps up the lime a bit, and I went with a rich (2:1) demerara syrup which is more sweetener than I’d normally use in my preferred spec for a standard Jungle Bird.
In the glass, this pours the frothy brown of a polluted river. And much like a polluted river, it tastes delicious! The sweet rum, pineapple, syrup and lime deny the Malört of most of its powerful herbal notes, but leave the bitterness. I’m getting some coffee or maybe even cocoa flavors here, which may result from the molasses flavor of black strap rum combined with the demerara. Or, I burned my syrup. In the latter case, that was, uh, totally intentional, because it’s good.
That patented Malört aftertaste? Here, it’s understated. You won’t be tasting this one for the entire night. I might even call this drink sophisticated. Malört, it’s not just about “kicking your mouth in the balls” anymore!
These three cocktails don’t even begin to scratch the surface of innovative, delightful cocktails that contain Malört as a key ingredient – not for novelty’s sake, or containing ingredients intended to beat the Malört into submission, but instead created to actively incorporate its unique flavors into something that’s greater than the sum of its parts.
Give it a try! Or, you know, infuse Malört with dead cicadas and serve it as a shot. It’s all good!